In families and churches, we naturally expect protection, care, and nurture to engender trust. However, it can be challenging to recognize toxic situations for what they are. People often dismiss warning signs due to the importance of the mission or their inability to separate their identity from their abusers.
Russell Moore spent years trying to change his denomination from within, determined not to be pulled out to sea by political undertows that he believed were leading his peers away from Biblical principles. He also defended whistleblowers who exposed abuse, resulting in him being shunned, defamed, and harassed.
In a recent article for Christianity Today, Moore explained, “As neurologists and psychologists have shown, the experience of exile from a tribe is often experienced in the same way as physical pain.” He was caught in a never-ending cycle of conflict and gaslighting, always being made to feel as though he were the one in the wrong. This year, he finally broke free from the denomination that repeatedly rejected him. Same faith, new mission.
David’s son Absalom both experienced and perpetuated a toxic system. His sister Tamar was victimized and denied justice by people who should have protected her. Rather than confronting the issue directly, Absalom dismissed his sister’s pain, while seething inside. His anger led to the murder of his brother Amnon, which sent him into exile.
When Absalom tried to return to his father, he lacked the emotional resources to repent and reconcile. Now, the pain of injustice was compounded by the agony of ostracism. He burned the fields of David’s general, Joab, to coerce him to petition David on his behalf. But the relationship was never restored. Eventually, his offense escalated to insurrection.
By contrast, Moore has been largely open about his struggles and opposition to decisions he believed were contrary to Scripture. In fact, his article starts by telling the story of several whistleblowers. He reflects on how people get trapped in toxic systems, writing:
“There are many reasons why people stay in toxic systems as long as they do. Some of those reasons are rooted in the human sins of pride and ambition and some in the human foibles of fear or ignorance. But not all are. In some cases, what’s at work is ‘betrayal blindness.’ The concept belongs to psychologist Jennifer Freyd and refers to the need for a person to trust a spouse, a parent, a caregiver, or a leader and, when betrayed by them, to fluctuate between the need to end the abuse and the need to preserve the relationship.”
Perhaps “betrayal blindness” was what prevented Absalom from confronting his brother and father over the injustice done to Tamar. Instead, his anger became all-consuming to the point of insurrection. By contrast, Moore seems to be on a path of spiritual and emotional health. Unlike Absalom, he had the courage to confront the underlying issue and the self-awareness to admit that he needed to change the story.
What can we take away?
Like Moore, we may need to separate our identities from work, church, or other environments to see them objectively and determine whether they are healthy or not. Walking away from a toxic situation does not necessarily mean walking away from our faith. We have the opportunity to choose the stories we want to live.
If you are struggling, I encourage you to meet with a counselor who can help you gain perspective and walk with you on the path to healing.
