Overcoming Reactivity: Will Smith, Joab, and Self-Control

As a 22-year-old on the show “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” Smith vehemently opposed the dialogue written for one of the episodes, saying it was inauthentic. The writers were furious and took it up with the producers, who promptly called for a meeting in their executive office.

As Smith sat at the long boardroom table, he grew increasingly agitated watching one of the executives stand and pace while others were seated. Believing that the confrontation could devolve into a physical fight, Smith fixated on a glass sculpture in the middle of the table. 

Finally, he was no longer able to contain himself. He grabbed the object, held it up as if he were going to throw it, and ordered the executive to sit down. Stunned, the man sat, explaining that he had only been standing because of a recent back surgery. Smith realized he had overreacted, and they were able to resolve their differences over the script without further incident.

Reflecting back on the scene in his memoir, Smith said, “When you grow up in violent environments, your mind adapts to perceive threats everywhere. You reason that you cannot afford to get caught slipping, even once. You begin to respond to a perceived threat and to actual violence equally, even though they’re very different things. There’s an old adage: ‘I’d rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.’” Despite his success, his mind was primed to see threats, so that’s what he saw.

Smith later repeated the pattern of reactivity the night of the Oscars when he slapped Chris Rock for making a joke at his wife’s expense. In a conversation later with Trevor Noah on The Daily Show, he said,

That night became the best and the worst night of his life at the same time. His reactivity, once again, got the best of him and stole the joy out of a moment of celebration.

Trauma Creates Hair-Trigger Responses

We can’t know all that Smith experienced growing up, nor do we know the extent or nature of his struggles today. But his talk of hair-trigger responses resembles the description of the effect of trauma in Bessel A. Van der Kolk’s book, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.” In it, he writes,

“Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions, intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption.”

Bessel A. van der Kolk, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.”

Trauma survivors experience their memories as if they are happening in the present. And when something reminds them of the threat, consciously or not, they react in fight, flight, or freeze mode, often before realizing what is going on. Novel therapies like EMDR help desensitize them and reduce reactivity. However, they need to go through a process of healing.

Reactivity in Joab

Like Smith, Joab, David’s commanding general, displayed reactive behavior. While scriptures don’t give us any indication that he suffered childhood trauma, he was likely impacted by years spent fleeing from King Saul and battling the nation’s enemies.

We see Joab’s reactivity when he killed Abner as he was trying to defect to David’s side. Years later, we see it when he killed Absalom against David’s orders. And we see it when he murdered Amasa, whom David had named a general in his place. In each case, he let his anger get the better of him and took actions that went against the king’s purposes. He ended his life estranged from the king he served and supported Adonijah as a successor, despite the king’s intent to name Solomon as king.

Like Will Smith and Joab, we can find ourselves reacting to people in outsized ways, driven by unconscious forces. After the fact, we realize we have sabotaged our own interests. Those are moments to notice our patterns of behavior and explore what is driving us. Otherwise, we remain at the mercy of subconscious forces in our brains.

As Smith explains in his memoir,

“In acting, understanding a character’s fears is a critical part of understanding his or her psyche. The fears create desires and the desires precipitate actions. These repetitive actions and predictable responses are the building blocks of great cinematic characters. It’s pretty much the same in real life.”

Will Smith, Will

Smith describes being driven by fear and a sense of powerlessness rooted in the domestic violence he experienced growing up.

Aggression Reveals Vulnerability

The kinds of behavior both Smith and Joab displayed look powerful on the surface. That helped propel both men to success, but it left an inner vulnerability. Smith was afraid he had been summoned to a confrontation that could end in a physical attack. Thus, he acted in a way that could have cost him his job. Joab was driven by fear of losing his position, which eventually he did.

Both men sought to dominate through actual or threatened physical violence to compensate for insecurity. In a workplace or home situation, that behavior shows up as shouting or, more recently, passive-aggressive behavior. That’s why it is imperative for us to do the hard work of addressing underlying issues before they bring irreversible consequences. Reactivity does not give the impression of someone who is in control of their emotions and thinking reasonably.

Overcoming Reactivity: Strengthening the Executive Function

Conversely, overcoming reactivity makes us better leaders, which is why therapy is a valuable resource in personal development. Like a personal trainer for our minds, a trained therapist can help us operate more consistently from the prefrontal cortex, or executive function, in our brains. That is the part that helps us with logical reasoning. Living and working with someone who has done the hard work on themselves and operates with self-control is far more peaceful and productive than having to walk on eggshells to avoid explosive anger.

The best thing that happened the night of the Oscars was Denzel Washington embracing Will Smith and whispering to his wounded spirit. In a follow-up interview, Washington refused to speak ill of Smith or Rock, saying “Who are we to condemn?” He offered a sympathetic view without excusing the behavior. Whether we engage a trained therapist or lean on friends to walk us through the valley, having someone to lean on gives us strength to do the hard work. That’s the key to coming out victorious on the other side of our struggle so we can lead with integrity.